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Summary
Summary
Millions of people worldwide are coping with depression. Whether it's you, a family member, a friend or a partner -- odds are depression affects your life. Even so, many of us don't know what to do when it hits someone we care about. JoEllen Notte challenges the preconceived ideas that keep us from showing up for each other in a meaningful way and offers strategies for supporting each other and ourselves when depression comes calling. Challenging the notions that tell us "that's not my business" or "they probably don't want to talk about that," In It Together equips readers to navigate depression alongside the people they care about. Informed by interviews with over 200 people coping with depression and featuring practical tips and real-life examples, In it Together is an insightful and much-needed guidebook for people with depression and those who love them.
Author Notes
JoEllen Notte is the author of The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren't Having. Since 2012 she has written about sex, mental health, and how none of us are broken at The Redhead Bedhead, as well as for Glamour, the BBC, Bitch, PsychCentral and more.
Reviews (1)
Kirkus Review
A guide offers strategies for coping with a depressed relative or friend. For over 20 years, Notte, a blogger, has dealt with her own depression. Her previous book, The Monster Under the Bed (2020), addressed how depression affects relationships. Writing it led to this work, which expands the focus to include "everyone who cares about anyone with depression." The author's effort, both noble and necessary, is written from the perspective of a person who struggles with depression. Notte also conducted extensive research under the supervision of a psychotherapist, and she enhances the volume with excerpted quotes from participants who have depression. Nonscientific and consumer-friendly, the content provides real insights into life with depression, the behaviors associated with it, and how best to assist someone with the condition. She begins by exposing some of the myths about depression and mental illness in general, suggesting that individuals with an ailment may conceal it "out of fear" because of society's preconceived notions. Particularly revealing are some of the obstacles that may impede delivering aid to a person who is depressed. Notte's explanation of "why you don't need to understand and how you can still effectively support someone" is especially insightful and helpful. Much of her advice is simple yet powerful; for example, "People who are struggling want to know that they aren't alone"; "Remember they are not causing the situation--depression is"; and "Be OK with people being not OK." The author does an admirable job of weaving in her own often gut-wrenching experiences with those of the individuals she interviewed. Offering the voices of people of different ages, genders, races, and backgrounds helps clarify the key point that depression is universal and can affect anyone. The book's final chapter, "The Cheat Sheet," is likely to be extremely valuable; here, Notte presents specific tips on "what not to say--and what to say instead," "things not to do (and things to do instead)," "active ways to support someone with depression," and "things to remember when you don't understand." This useful chapter even includes specific ideas for texts and voice messages to send to a depressed person. Candid, compassionate, engaging, and wise advice on dealing with depression. Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.
Table of Contents
Preface | ix |
Acknowledgments | xv |
Introduction | 1 |
How Did I Get Here? My Story | 1 |
Putting It Together: The Research Behind This Book | 5 |
Who is This Book For? | 9 |
Some Caveats | 10 |
Chapter 1 Why Do We Go It Alone? | 15 |
People Don't Understand Depression | 19 |
Depressed People Are Scared | 26 |
Chapter 2 This Is Happening | 35 |
Mental Illness: Worst Club. Ever. | 36 |
For Real, Depression Can Be Miserable | 44 |
Chapter 3 Obstacles | 61 |
Denial and Defensiveness | 61 |
"It's Not My Place!" | 63 |
The Unhelpful "Help" | 67 |
Where These Obstacles Leave Us | 78 |
Chapter 4 Let Go of Understanding | 81 |
What's Wrong with "Understanding"? | 82 |
Don't Make People Plead Their Case | 85 |
Understanding vs. Acceptance | 88 |
Work with What's in Front of You | 90 |
Things You Actually Do Need to Understand | 91 |
Chapter 5 Depression Has Entered the Chat | 99 |
Depression and Relationship Dynamics | 101 |
Why Resentment Is the Worst | 106 |
Maybe You Just Can't (and That's OK) | 107 |
Chapter 6 Getting in It Together | 111 |
Get on Their Team | 112 |
Learn a Common Language | 122 |
Chapter 7 Putting It into Action | 129 |
Notes on Guilt and Shame | 129 |
Taking on Socializing | 132 |
Don't "Just Do It" No Matter What It Is | 137 |
Be Precise When You Talk Feelings | 141 |
Identify Their Needs with One Easy Question | 144 |
Chapter 8 Supporting and Being Supported | 147 |
What They Need, Not What Makes You Feel Good | 147 |
All the Feels (for Everyone) | 161 |
Getting the Support You Need with Ring Theory | 171 |
Chapter 9 Handle with Care | 177 |
Make Your World a Bit More Mental Illness-Friendly | 177 |
Let Them Be the Experts on Themselves | 185 |
Don't Let Perfect Be the Enemy of Good | 189 |
Death to "Just" | 192 |
Chapter 10 The Cheat Sheet | 195 |
Things Not to Say (and Things to Say Instead) | 195 |
Things Not to Do (and Things to Do Instead) | 205 |
Active Ways to Support Someone with Depression | 216 |
Texts to Send to Your Depressed Friend | 221 |
Things to Remember When You Don't Understand | 226 |
Conclusion | 231 |
Resources | 237 |
JoEllen's Favorites | 237 |
Online Mental Health Resources | 238 |
Books | 239 |
Mental Illness in Media | 240 |
Endnotes | 243 |
Index | 247 |